Procrastination Rant

So.. it’s been quite a while since my last rant. For the 2 people who have missed them, my apologies for being totally slack.

Do not be fooled into thinking I’ve just been tootling along, happy as larry (who is larry anyway) blissfully unaware of the many annoying things that are sent to try my patience on a daily, hourly, often minute by minute basis. No.

Here commenceth a number of weeks’ worth of rantings. Some of these are slightly out of date now but I’ll sleep much better at night knowing I’ve sent a particular irritation off into the ether.

It should be noted that it is no small coincidence that I am sat at a table with many (unopened) text books and professional magazines (no.. not “that” professsion) ominously looming over me threatening to bury me alive if I don’t open one of them. The irony is that the chosen subject this time is motivation. I’ll say no more about that.

Where's Wally?


We all thought we’d seen the last of the snow for this winter. We’ve had a few positively balmy weeks and I for one had gotten used to not wearing 5 layers of clothing (see previous rant regarding jumper sleeves below coats!). Lambs have been born, or so Countryfile professes, and the Hodsock Snowdrop exhibition (for want of a better word) which  every year, signifies to all us South Yorkshire/Nottinghamshire residents, that spring is only round the corner, is happening as we speak. Now, I can’t profess 100% that this is true, as the superglue which keeps my eyelids closed didn’t melt off until 9.45am this morning (it’s not my fault!!), and I’m happy to think it’s an urban myth,  but apparently it was snowing this morning. I heard it from 3 reliable sources. I am not amused.

Christmas is as far away as ever (thankfully) but I felt I needed to just put a little rant in about it. Specifically wrapping presents. Over the years I have managed to decrease the number of gifts I buy. I have blagged a bad memory, moved country, and the “lost in the post” excuse is a cracker. But being the chatty sociable (between the hours of 4 and 7pm if you’re lucky enough to catch me, and nothing has annoyed me that day) person that I am, I cannot avoid everyone. Also, and I know you don’t give to receive, but  I do like having something to open and if I give nothing out I get nothing back. Anyway, back to my ranting point.  I really hate wrapping presents. But I always forget every year how much I hate it until I start. I bring everything downstairs and set it all out neatly. I make sure I have lots of cellotape and tags and a pen, and that there are no foreign bodies on the carpet to upset the neatness of my wrapping experience. The first gift (and if you’re ever lucky enough to be the recipient of this, well done) looks like this:

Ahh.. pretty first gift of the year

Then I get a bit bored. Eastenders was probably on and Ryan with no shirt on needed my full attention. By gift 4 or 5 they look like

Everyone else's gift

I suppose if I want to have any friends at all it’s a necessary evil. Next year I’m doing a Smithy and wrapping everything in tinfoil. No need for tape or bows, and the presents would be all shiny and glint under the Christmas tree lights.

I have a few irritating people to add to my hate list. Bono (no explanation needed). Anthea Turner (mullet extraordinaire). Steve Wright.

I was listening to Radio 2 (I am a grown up now) the other day and Phil Collins In the Air Tonight was on. When it finished Steve said “that gorilla is so talented.” Now.. how old is that Cadbury’s advert now? (quickly check Google..) 2007. So.. almost 4 years old. And Steve-stuck-in-the-80’s is still referring to it when he plays that song. Sigh. He then played Hurts so Good by John Cougar Mellencamp. Steve referred to him as John Cougar Melonhead. Hilarious! I wonder if that’s why John dropped the Mellencamp part…..

Oh Alice, stop teasing us

Anyway, I’m boycotting Radio 2 in the afternoons. That’ll show them! It’s much safer for other drivers out there trust me. What has amused me lots though is that in my extensive research for this blog, I came across a whole entire forum thread on Digital Spy with lots and lots and lots of people talking about the things that annoy them about Steve Wright. I feel vindicated.. someone needs to start a petition to send to Radio 2. Not me, I can’t be @rsed. But if someone brings me one I’ll happily sign it.

Ok next (getting back into my ranting stride now). Oh yes, one of the most irritating ads on tv at the minute is for Pantene. I love Pantene. I use Pantene. It is my hair product of choice and has been for many years. I like Cat Deeley. I think she’s very beautiful, if erring on the anorexic side, but that’s ok because she’s mostly in America now and everyone knows American cameras add at least a stone to people (right Roseanne?) so she has to decline most of the food she’s offered. I think she’s good craic. However I would happily rip her head off when she does that “swishing” thing. Usually the remote control is on the other side of the room from where I sit to watch tv. But i would compare myself to a lithe gazelle leaping away from the lion who is going to slaughter me mercilessly when that ad comes on. I think it’s the anger that propels me across the room. I really don’t want to be responsible for breaking my landlady’s 468″ tv screen (whatever size it is..). I can’t afford to pay for it. Anyway.. Pantene, please please pull that advert. Cat is asking for people to send in videos of them swishing. Above all Pantene.. PLEASE don’t start showing us clips of the general public swishing. Hopefully one of them will get whiplash doing it and they’ll sue Pantene and the whole thing will be a distant memory.

That'll teach you. No more swishing for you Miss.

There have been a couple of things which have made me happy over the last couple of months. Being Human is back on. I have gained an electric blanket. This makes me happy when I’m freezing my @ss off in bed. I got to see lots of puppies a few weeks ago.

Speaking of puppies. If the council wants us to poop and scoop (although poop isn’t the word I’d use for what landlady’s 6stone dalmation dumps at my feet in the most conspicuous of places.. the pavement shudders), they need to provide more of those red bins. I had to walk over a mile the other night with a nappy bag full of “poop” before I found one of those bins. And I’ll tell you all that nappy bags don’t fully hold the stench.

Why does the George Foreman click so much?? Does anyone else have this issue? Surely it’s got to be a design flaw, that. Is it so when you’re drunk and come home and think Oh I’ll have a  bacon sarnie or a toasted cheese panini (or punani if you have one in Corby) you will not stand the chance of flopping on the sofa, forgetting about it and falling asleep?

Feeling tired now after all this ranting so this is my last topic for today. Why is everything on telly a reality show? The only one worth watching at the minute is Tool Academy which is possibly the most comedy on telly at the minute. Oh what? It’s not a comedy? Oh..

Anyway it’s brilliant. The parting line is “John/Lee/Peter – you’re just a tool. Give us your jacket and get out.” I can’t be bothered explaining the premise for anyone who hasn’t watched it. But it’s worth a watch.

I digress.. possibly the worst reality show  I have stumbled across is one where a load of brides compete against each other to get plastic surgery!!! Granted, most of them need it. But still! What is the world coming to! The episode I saw resulted in the successful contestants from that week having an “injection party” where they all got loaded up with botox. Brilliant.

The saddest thing about this reality show culture is that they’ve turned Masterchef into X Factor. Everyone has a “story” now. “I am a hugely successful, multi millionnaire, city banker but it’s always been my passion to cook, ever since the shell on my boiled egg cracked and I had to scramble it” cue tears and shot of sympathetic wife with her fingers (heavy with gold rings and diamonds) crossed. I am disappointed in John and Gregg for selling out. I’ll still watch it though of course 🙂

Ok that’s it. The pile of books appears to be reproducing. I’ll just make a cup of tea first.. do the hoovering.. take the dog out.. and I’ll be right on it.




One response to this post.

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Eastenders Fan, Heidi Megaughin. Heidi Megaughin said: Procrastination Rant […]


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