Bobble Headed Freak

So last night I was going to go to bed early (have a bath, watch a film on my laptop, and go to bed – my mantra) because the bluddy Royal Variety Performance was on. Which I absolutely detest. I mean really. And then my housemate pointed out it could be quite good blog material. What a fantastic thing to rant about! I thought she was absolutely right and settled into the sofa to watch it.

I say watch it.. I was on my laptop doing other inconsequential things and it was on in the background. That’s me conceding a lot of my televisual dignity (which is in short supply) I tell you.

As well as being relegated to a Thursday night from the traditional Saturday night primetime slot, the not quite so high up the pecking order Royals in attendance were Camilla and Charles. Substandard to say the least. However, infinitely amusing and doing a fantastic impersonation of Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show. This amused me much more than any of the comedians appearing (apart from Lee Mack.. love Lee Mack).

Kylie was up first looking sickeningly amazing as usual in knee high red leather boots. Cow.

I’m not jealous, not one bit.

Next up was someone who hovers between the number one and number two spots of my hate list, recently overtaken by Louis Walsh, but now that X Factor is over Louis will be off my radar until next summer. Yes, it’s the Bobble Headed Freak aka Michael MacIntyre. I cannot put into words my feelings of distaste and utter disgust that this loud overly-accentuating  wannabe posh pratt has just appeared on the telly every single time I switch it on. Not only does he have his own dreadful show, but he seems to be hosting the Apollo shows too now??!!

Number one on the hate list

I don’t know what irritates me most about him.. his floppy fringe.. his nauseating cheesy smile which makes his beady eyes disappear completely.. his bobbly head (why no company has cashed in yet and made a “bobble head” of him for people’s cars I really really don’t know!! It’s a no-brainer as far as I’m concerned, it’d just be like having a mini me of the patronising little twat in the car with you all the time. Ugh what a horrifying thought).

So I was delighted to see him take the stage in his “jolly” sparkly suit, as you can imagine.

Actually… I have worked out what irritates me most, it’s when he says something which he thinks is hilarious and then he does the cheesy grin and waits for everyone to laugh hilariously. I realise that I am in the minority because people DO seem to laugh!!!! People are clearly desperate for any sort of light relief in these economic times.

He eventually left the stage after brainwashing and deafening everyone, and made way for Paloma Faith and Ray Davies (from the Kinks, yes him with the gap between his front teeth, that’s the one). I like Ray Davies. I love Paloma Faith. But this collaboration.. where do the powers that be come up with these things? This was a bit tragic. She was very over-excited and he appeared to have no knee joints and was swaying from side to side looking scared that Paloma might eat him. Then at the end, at the key change bit, he did some sort of wooden clap every few bars. It was all very weird and I was glad when it was over.

Next was the lowest point of the night. Bobble Headed Freak re-appeared and it seemed that he had taken over the hosting of RVP too, which would mean regular slots throughout the night. Cue a massive sigh and rant from me. I contemplated abandoning the programme, but I’d started so I’d finish dammit. I cried softly until he left the stage.

The acrobat people who won Britain’s Got Talent  were up next. Very very impressive. If you like all that bendy flexibility and flinging each other in the air, and gasping from the audience. Incidentally I don’t mind it, it was very good, fair play to them.

Why is BGT on ITV when the purpose of the show is to get someone to highlight the RVP (what an anacronym filled question eh)? I don’t expect to get an answer to that question but thought I’d float it.

In between all these little acts the camera kept flicking to Statler and Waldorf poshly heckling in the top corner. I think it was a bit unfair to send them out after the student abuse this week. Think of the post traumatic stress!

Lee Mack was up next. Not a bad word to say about Lee. I don’t think LM is particularly gorgeous but I really quite fancy him. And he’s not even my type (non skinny, middle aged, brooding.. see any ITV detective drama really)(except Frost.. David Jason is a bit short)(and Morse.. never fancied him either)(Hugh Bonneville was a middle aged,  non skinny, brooding policeman once – he’s the sort of thing I mean).  This is my “other” type by the way. The other type which is different to the type that Gerrard Butler, Hugh Jackman, James Nesbitt, Bradley Cooper etc etc fall into. The utterly gorgeous and ultimately unattainable type.

Ok after Lee Mack was Adele. I like Adele too. Fantastic voice and only 21! And not your typical anorexic backcombed hair barbie doll singer either. Proper woman. Go on Adele, belt it out.

Then, rather bizarrely, the wonderful Michael Crawford came on, with a Westie dog. I still have no idea really what that was about. He was introducing the Dorothy who won the BBC Andrew Lloyd Webber thingy last year. I mean seriously? Michael Crawford? Distinguished actor, star of stage and screen, award winning children’s author?? #shaking my head in disappointment#

So Dorothy did her bit blah blah and the dog did his bit woof woof.

Then N Dubz came on. Mr Housemate amusingly piped up “I’m sure Charles and Camilla are loving this.

Russell Watson and some ballet people were up next. More flexibility of limbs, and Russells lungs. Show offs.

Some Geordie comedian doll (norn irish word for girl/woman/bird) did a bit of stand up. I didn’t have high hopes, but she was very funny actually. Not a lot of women can successfully get away with stand up. I’d look out for her again, if I hadn’t been ranting about the Bobble Headed Freak and had actually heard her name. Oh well..

Then Subo came on and made Lou Reed cry lots by singing Perfect Day. She probably made Statler and Waldorf happy though. They looked smiley (I say smiley.. more of a grimace from the pair of them really, but they showed teeth once Subo had been on and looked as though their ticket price was worth it).

Jack Whitehall next. He is another one who’s just appeared and everyone wets themselves over. I don’t get it.

Remember earlier I was commending Adele for not being anorexic with backcombed hair? Barbie Girl Cheryl Cole mimed her new ballad-y number next. Of course Cheryl is beautiful. I mean that sincerely, she is absolutely gorgeous. But when you’re that thin you shouldn’t wear a dress that has bits cut out so you can see ribs! Nothing a few pastie baps couldn’t sort out (norn irish speciality.. heart attack in your hand).

Waldorf leant over at this point and asked Statler who Cheryl is..clearly not X Factor fans.Or maybe she just looks smaller in real life and he didn’t recognise her. Who knows.

Next up were some Chelsea Pensioners. (I’m not going near this one with a barge pole, even I know not to slag off patriotic oaps or I’ll have the ire of all of England at my door)

Some dancing on ice bloke.. think I went to make tea at that point  or to cry some more, can’t remember.. zzzzzzzzz

Lots of people and a medley from The Miserables. I jest. I love the music from Les Miserables. I just think its an amazing show and shouldn’t be reduced to cramming half the cast onto the Palladium’s wee stage and doing a MEDLEY!! (not a fan of a medley.. see next year’s X Factor notes). One of the Jean Valjean’s was a chubby, middle aged, brooding type though so I stuck with it. Also I could sing along. Always a good thing for me (not for others).

At the point that Jamie Cullum and Rumer came on and sang some dirge I was losing the will to live. I’m sure whatever it was was very good, I wasn’t listening at all. Jamie Cullum still looks like Eddie Munster. That was my main observation. His head is more square than Eddie’s though.

John Bishop came on. Bless him, he tries to be funny. He was brilliant in Skins. Should have stuck to acting John.

Then “The Man” rang and thank god I had an excuse to miss the rest of the show.

I was very tired and grumpy today and it wasn’t worth that I can tell you.

 

 

 

In happier news today my Simon’s Cat mug came!!

Tea drinking receptacle extraordinaire

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